Well, its been ages since I last posted here. Lots of things have changed, mainly as a result of my lack of motivation and in-built tendency for 'self sabotage.'
A quick update...
About two months ago now, I decided to come off of my VLCD that I was following. After posting my before and after pics, I hit a bit of a wall. My motivation plummeted, I fell off the wagon diet-wise and couldn't seem to get back on. I had excuses at the time, but now I'm not really sure why it happened, its all a bit foggy. In my heart, though, I know that if I really wanted to still be on that diet then I would be. Now I am avoiding the scales and seem to have slipped back into 'comfort eating mode', detaching myself from my body and my weight. It feels a bit shit, to be honest! I had put myself into a position where I was putting pressure on myself (and imagining pressure from other people) and my reaction to that pressure was to run and hide behind denial and food.
I don't want to be here feeling like this. It will become an endless cycle of feeling rubbish for not being able to stick to something, so comfort eating to make myself feel better or to blot out the bad feelings, which just creates more shame and feeling rubbish, which causes me to comfort eat etc. etc. etc.
In the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to come up with a 'healthy eating plan' that will help me loose weight over a longer period of time. I seem to manage a day or two before I'm back to my old tricks. I don't really know what to do.
I know I want to loose weight. I don't like what I see in the mirror and I hate the way clothes cling to bulges etc. I don't feel confident, I just want to hide. I don't want to be skinny though, just smaller than I am now. I would like to loose about another 3 stone which should take me down to about a size 16. I'd be happy with that. But for whatever reason I can't seem to get back in the zone.
I keep thinking about this phrase that I come across a lot: "If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got." Or something like that. It's very true, I feel. Right now, I am eating the way I ate to reach the weight I was at my biggest. This has got to change, however that seems to be easy to say, harder to do...
I didn't mean for this to be quite so ranty, but it feels good to get it out of my head. Loosing weight, eating and food seem to be all I think about at the moment, and it sucks. I need to get past these negative feelings and find a more positive way forward. Hopefully I'll have something a bit more positive to write about sometime soon xxx